Slow down. Step back.

Notice what you’re thinking…

Make space for what you’re feeling…

Focus on doing what actually matters.

This is a general model for self-examination that visualizes some important connections about our personal patterns. Using this creates a map for personal insight: we are able to start seeing why we think, feel, or act the way we do, we realize what we have control over, and realize what we can and should be doing. We can start at any point and move in any direction but we often start with the…

Activating Situation & Context

First, zoom out and consider the bigger “picture” of what’s happening here and now. Describe:

1. What’s the main problem?

2. What other factors/circumstances contribute to or exaggerate the problem?
   (e.g., health, sleep, relationships, resources, finances, etc; these factors can either help or hurt our ability to navigate through challenges)

It’s essential to consider the context to our personal issues; without it, we risk misdiagnosis of the issue and pursue solutions that do not meaningfully help. Many times, our psychological and behavioral issues are a reaction to environmental/life stressors or a consequence of poor lifestyle decisions. It does not mean that sleeping better, changing “scenery”, or reciting positive affirmations will finally “cure” our low self-worth—it’s merely a part of the solution, supporting our ability to stop avoiding what would actually help. However, none of this is inherently good or bad: things just “are” in the universe. What we do, what happens to us, our struggles or barriers… None of this inherently causes us to feel or do anything, that is often shaped by…

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THOUGHTS

Let’s make a clear distinction:

There’s you—the one simply sensing and noticing things as they are…

And then there’s your mind—the one “thinking” about your problems and what you sense or focus on.

“Thinking/thoughts” are communicated to us in a variety of forms: inner chatter, words, images, memories, assumptions, opinions. This is the mind doing its job, attempting to make sense of what we are going through in order to “best urge” us on what to do. Although it may really feel like it at times, our mind is not the enemy: the problem is how we notice and react to our thoughts, not the thoughts themselves.

The mind is an incredible internal assistant… Running on ancient hardware that’s been primarily coded for survival for over a quarter-million years. Consider which human ancestor was more likely to survive in a time where information and tools were limited: was it the excessively optimistic, confident, relaxed ancestor… Or was it the one that always assumed the worst so they could plan and effectively respond (even if there was no threat)? Thinking this way is absolutely vital for survival but usually makes life unnecessarily difficult when there’s no actual threat (i.e., reacting to perceived/assumed problems or threats). Without the “proper” awareness, separation, and engagement with our thinking, it’s easy to let the mind “run the show" or “get in our way”:

• We over-identify with our thoughts (thoughts = absolute truths, rigidly defining things about us, the world, others, the future/past, etc)

• We take our thoughts too seriously and literally (thoughts always deserve attention and energy)

• We struggle with our thoughts (obsessive need to avoid or eliminate difficult thoughts)

• We get stuck in our thoughts (repeatedly engaging with thoughts that have no resolution or value to them)

• We constantly need to be right or certain of things (rigid with beliefs, intolerant of nuance or uncertainty)

The goal is not necessarily about ignoring/suppressing negative/bad thoughts or replacing them with positive/good ones—it’s about realizing that all thoughts have a function and purpose. Negative thinking can be helpful for protection or conservation while positive thinking can be unhelpful when it leaves us unprepared to respond because we were too relaxed or in denial. So let the mind do its job (think) while you focus on yours: strengthening the ability to curiously step back from what it’s saying and acknowledge the function/purpose the thought serves. It’s not necessary to fight with thoughts—in fact, the more we engage or debate with our thoughts, the more they will grow and get better at outmaneuvering whatever “positive/rational thinking” we try to fight it with (e.g., “pushing thoughts away” still takes our attention and energy, paradoxically charging the unwanted thought!). It’s useful to reasonably investigate how true, useful, or necessary a thought is, but do not mistaken that doing so stops unwanted thoughts (e.g., endlessly trying to figure out/disprove thoughts just results in more unhelpful entanglement with thoughts). So turn off “mental autopilot”: intentionally notice and question what you think or believe because the way you engage with your thinking and beliefs shapes your…

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FEELINGS

Feelings, similar to thoughts, are usually just signals to our values and needs…

And sometimes they are a necessary call-to-action or change.

Thoughts and feelings are very much interconnected. While thoughts may focus on sense-making or problem solving, feelings provide emotional and physical energy to either urge action/change or simply connect us to what we care about. “Feelings” are communicated to us in a variety of forms: physical sensations, emotions, compulsive/instinctual urges. Long before humans developed the ability to communicate thinking with language, feelings guided our survival, learning, and social communication/bonding. Although it may really feel like it at times, our feelings are not the enemy: the problem is when we struggle against, avoid, or resist our feelings, not the feelings themselves.

No feeling is inherently good or bad: all feelings have evolved for some type of adaptive purpose. Consider how the more distressing or uncomfortable a feeling is, the more likely it is to get us to move and act quickly (sometimes without considering if our choice actually helps us!). Similar to the type of thinking necessary for survival mentioned above, the most unpleasant feelings we experience also motivated our ancestors take action or change their behavior to enhance their chances of survival:

• Anxiety = heightened alternateness to potential threats, encouraging planning/preparation, vigilance, and avoidance of danger

• Anger = mobilizes energy to confront challenges, create change, defend or protect community or loved ones, or assert boundaries

• Guilt: motivated repairing social bonds after genuine social mistakes, encouraging Cooperation and trust within group/relationships

• Shame: encouraged adherence to group norms and values, reducing risk of exclusive or rejection of group

• Sadness: signaled loss or unmet needs, prompting reflection reevaluation, and actions to restore connection/resources

• Boredom: motivated exploration/innovation, to seek new opportunities and solve problems with different approaches

The goal is not necessarily about replacing unpleasant feelings with pleasant ones—it’s about having a better relationship with our feelings: becoming more flexible and willing to make space for all of our feelings to come and go on their own time, responding to our feelings with curiosity and compassion instead of resistance and avoidance. This means having just enough contact with our feelings to acknowledge and understand what they are communicating but also not sitting in them unnecessarily long. We have to accept that feelings, like thoughts, are not fully in our control—but they also do not control what we do and say! So creating space between your thoughts/feelings and your response can effectively change your…

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BEHAVIOR

This is whatever we do in response to any situation, whether our behavior is to:

• Take physical action (doing/saying something, increasing or decreasing behavior, problem solving)

• Take mental action (thinking/worrying, planning, reflecting, processing, acceptance/letting go)

• Take no action (not changing, doing more of the same, unwilling to adjust, avoiding what’s necessary)

• Take destructive action (short-term strategies to control thoughts/feelings that make life harder in long-run)

  Behaviors are influenced (not controlled) by thoughts and feelings. As the captain of our ship (body), we are tasked to regularly put space in between what our co-pilot (the mind) does (think, evaluate, suggest) and what we do (our actions, attention, words). Remember that the mind has evolved to pull us away from things that make us feel pain or stress (even when it’s necessary or important), but no behavior is inherently good or bad either: we have to understand what any behavior is helping and costing.

Like thoughts and feelings, no behavior is inherently good or bad: it completely depends on how the behavior is serving the individual and what direction the outcome leads their life and future toward. The reality is any behavior can be misused: seemingly “healthy” behaviors can turn into unhealthy/unsustainable “perfectionism”, while seemingly “immoral” behaviors, when used responsibly or therapeutically, can be healing or spiritually enlightening! It’s insufficient to just ask “is this behavior good or bad?”. We need to zoom out and look deeper: “even if I know this behavior is not helpful… What is the purpose of this behavior, how is it ‘supposed’ to serve me, what is it trying to protect me from, and is the outcome of the behavior actually helping me… Or is it just making me more ineffective or inflexible in life?”.