This is one way I think about personal control, attention, and consciousness. This visual emphasizes a critical task for conscious living and better mental/physical health: the separation between you and your mind.

While it’s generally helpful and healthy to use logic and evidence to manage our thoughts and regulate our feelings, there are often “certain beliefs or issues” that are so rigid and challenging they defy the best logic or evidence! This is why logical solutions (e.g., coping, distraction, evidence) are not always enough to solve psychological issues.

Cognitive “defusion” (aka de-literalization, distancing, detachment) is a unique mental reframe that takes the power out of unhelpful beliefs or thinking patterns by taking them less seriously, not by constantly fighting them. It is another way to understand and practice mindfulness. Like grounding (which commonly starts with this skill), this practice of “mental distancing and detachment” is not about controlling or silencing thoughts!

• We waste a lot of time and energy trying to over-think or artificially control particularly difficult thoughts or feelings. Always muting or dissociating from our thoughts & feelings is as problematic as always “listening to them at full volume”.

• These thoughts and feelings feed on our attention. Trying to excessively control them just gives them more attention, making them even larger! The reality is that they will just come and go on their own time. We have no real control over our automatic thoughts and feelings because…

1. We are not our mind: we are the observer to it.

We first have to habitually remember that “we are in the driver’s seat”, in control of our attention, actions, and words.

Our mind (“in the passenger seat”) guides us with certain beliefs or feelings that we have learned throughout life (whether it’s actually true or helpful). Note: the mind has no control over the “steering wheel”… Although the mind is great at persuading us to engage in certain personal habits, we don’t have to listen to or follow everything our mind urges or assumes! When we strengthen our awareness to this, we can ignore what the mind is saying when it’s not serving us and refocus our attention on:

• Following our true values and needs to navigate through life… Versus mindlessly following our mind’s urges or “shortcuts” toward whatever feels good or easy (resulting in vicious cycles that move us further away from our goals).

• Managing our energy levels, resources, or physical and mental health so we stay strong and healthy enough to commit to meaningful things… Versus believing everything the mind says about our level of energy, capability, or motivation (due to the mind’s instinct to protect and preserve, this results in constant avoidance, isolation, procrastination).

• Mindfully (but not obsessively) watching “side and rearview mirrors” to gain wisdom from the past and learn from current blindspots and warning signs… Versus endlessly stuck in the past or dwelling over uncontrollable problems (neglecting our future direction).

• Remembering to take out and USE therapy tools, support systems, and healthier coping skills… Versus throwing our tools and coping skills in a box and never using them.

• Making use of thoughts only if they are actually helpful in moving us to get to closer to our values… Versus constantly trying to control, fight, or debate with our co-pilot (the mind) about what’s “true/good/enough” (this is like driving when you are distracted and distressed… It’s a very unsafe and ineffective way to get through life!).

This ability to pay attention to and set boundaries around what our mind is doing is a skill that must be practiced regularly. Otherwise, we just get better at using our mind’s version of reality. We cannot solely rely on everything our mind tells us because…

2. Our mind has evolved for survival…

Not logic, truth, loving-kindness, or inner peace…

What we call “negative thinking” today can be considered adaptive for most of our human ancestors’ time. Consider this: life was dangerous for our ancestors… Limited tools and information about the world, unstable and unpredictable shelter or food… No internet or phones! In order to detect and respond to threats, the mind first had to develop a certain set of feelings, emotions, and thinking patterns to aid them in survival. Ironically, worrying about the future and being distrustful helped them adjust their behaviors to increase their chances of survival. Comparing to others or feeling guilt, shame, or inadequacy helped adjust their behavior to maintain acceptance in their social group (also increasing their chances of survival). Not questioning or exploring existing assumptions (belief systems) allowed for quicker decision-making. Over a quarter million years, this results in automatic thinking patterns that are reactive, negative-biased, and/or over-simplified. This is how the mind compels us to do something immediately (e.g., fight back, fix the problem, avoid/procrastinate, run away, give up) whether it helps us in the long-run or not: safety first!

Thinking like this was adaptive for the first 99.999% of humanity… But the recent 0.001% of modern human life has completely overwhelmed and polluted the mind (especially without proper awareness/mindset). We now have an endless amount of easy access to things that make us feel fear, shame, depression, and mental misery all the time (with even more potent ways to procrastinate or numb it all temporarily). This is not the mind sabotaging us though, it’s actually quite the opposite… Again, it’s just doing what it has evolved for over the past quarter million years: self-protection and preservation! It exaggerates or minimizes or warps how things really are in reality to urge us toward thinking and behaviors that keep us safe or comfortable. The mind sees any form of pain or friction (whether it’s actually life-threatening or not) as a threat to safety and comfort, even when it’s for something important or necessary. So remember…

3. Our mind is an over-protective, Over-analytical problem solving co-pilot.

The mind over-simplifies everything into problems that can be solved. The mind even turns “life” into a problem that is meant to be solved, not experienced (“accomplish this, buy that, own this, do that = ‘HAPPY’”). This is very problematic for situations that cannot be controlled or while someone is finally starting to do something about it… Because these situations lead to a new problem the mind wants to solve: unpleasant feelings. During difficult times or feelings, our mind couldn’t care less about our values and goals: it primarily cares about how we feel right now or in the next few moments… It will urge the easiest, fastest, and strongest form of relief (often seen in our habits of avoidance, distraction, numbing, etc).

If we are struggling with a big problem in life, the mind often discourages us from doing basic, logical things that would help us. The mind urges us to preserve all of our energy and effort because it sees we are struggling except… The more and more we keep “resting”, sleeping, avoiding, withdrawing, isolating, distracting… The more depressed and/or anxious we become. If this is poorly managed, we return to old (but familiar) unhelpful coping patterns: we logically know it’s not good for us but we momentarily go against our values for immediate relief. This is going on autopilot, following everything the mind or our feelings tell us instead of sticking to whatever path necessary to live in accordance with our personal values and needs (through actions, words, goals).

4. Think of the mind like…

• An over-protective co-pilot

• An over-sensitive radar or alarm

• An excessively critical mentor or coach

• A passenger that tends to “backseat drive”

• A strongly opinionated and vocal roommate

• A guide dog that barks and tugs in a different direction

• An app that pushes an excessive amount of notifications

Arguing with it too much, debating endlessly, trying to tell it to stop… This can become a major distraction and barrier to “going in the right direction” of life, doing things in ways that actually serve us in life. Sometimes our thoughts and feelings are supportive of this but mostly the mind is just focused on protection and comfort. The mind bullies us for control through painful beliefs or feelings that ultimately need to be deprived of attention and credibility (a skill that can be strengthened with regular practice and time). Start to think about the majority of thoughts as “junk mail, scam calls, or bot comments”! At a certain point, we need to partially or completely…

5. Accept the few basic things we have control over and primarily focus on them:

1. How much attention and credibility we give our thoughts and feelings.

2. How we choose to make use of them or not in guiding our actions and choices.

3. How patient and open we are for our thoughts and feelings to come and go on their own.

We need to define the boundaries with what we listen to from our mind and keep our attention and energy on our actions, going in the direction of our personal values and how we want to behave. Although the mind will probably assume it’s “too hard, uphill and bumpy” to do the harder but better thing, remember what your experience tells you: most meaningful things in life have periods of being uphill and bumpy! It’s all temporary and you’ve survived every time (in fact, this is often what makes you stronger and resilient). Don’t believe everything the mind says, instead focus on “why” the mind is saying it, what it’s trying to protect or accomplish.