Common “Stories”
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When we dig deeper, we can recognize how certain patterns of thinking reveal the underlying “stories” our mind is telling us (usually as an exaggerated attempt to keep us safe or comfortable, whether it’s actually helpful or not). Any of these stories can be applied more specifically toward ourselves, other people/things, the world, the past/present/future. Certain situations will cue the mind to start playing certain “tapes” (thoughts, memories, urges). But remember: they are usually just stories (do not just focus on the details, plot, or characters of these thoughts: consider the deeper meaning or purpose of them and whether they still serve our values and goals today).

“Not good enough” (Inadequacy)

Belief or feeling that we are flawed, worthless, broken, unlovable, stupid, inferior, insignificant, etc.

“No one cares” (Neglected)

Belief or feeling that others are uncaring, incapable or unwilling to understand, support, guide, help, protect, or show concern for us.

“No mistakes” (Perfectionism)

Belief or feeling that we need to perform tasks flawlessly or to an excessively high standard, equating any less with being inadequate or unworthy.

“Can’t do it” (Self-Doubt)

Belief or feeling that we are incapable or destined to fail due to [perceived] incompetency, lack of qualities like discipline, willpower, or self-control, or a reliance on others for support.

“Not safe” (Fear/Anxiety of Danger)

Belief or feeling that life, the world, and others are dangerous or unpredictable, leading to a sense of constant risk and insecurity.

“Can’t trust” (Distrust/Paranoia)

Belief or feeling that others are generally untrustworthy, potentially harmful, deceitful, manipulative, or unreliable, and likely to cause harm, disappointment, or betrayal.

“Must help others before yourself” (People Pleasing)

Belief or feeling that we are obligated to appease others, prioritize their needs over your own, or conform to their desires, even at the expense of our own needs, goals, and values.

“No one stays in my life” (Fear of Rejection/Abandonment)

Belief or feeling that relationships are doomed or unstable, leading to fears of rejection or abandonment and ultimately, solitude.

“Life sucks” (Pessimism)

Belief or feeling that life is fundamentally negative, with a bleak view of the world, people, and the future.

“Need approval” (Seeking Validation)

Belief or feeling that you require approval, positive feedback, recognition, or praise from others, even at the expense of one's authenticity.

“Can’t be kind” (Harsh Criticism)

Belief or feeling that strict, judgmental, and punitive responses are necessary when dealing with mistakes, failures, or shortcomings in others.

“I am better than _” (Superiority)

Belief or feeling that we are superior to others, entitled to and deserving of special treatment, or not subject to the same rules as everyone else.

It is not necessary to challenge, debate with, or be literally defined by these beliefs. Instead, consider how they are guiding you.

Rather than rigidly allowing these beliefs to completely define and inform us about “self, others, the world, or the past/future”, we can instead focus more on the value, purpose, or function of these beliefs to determine whether they’re a mere instinctual signal to survival/values or an actual necessary and helpful call to action:

• If you are thinking or feeling you are not doing enough because you are actually not doing anything, then this thought is guiding you to do more based on your true values and needs. No matter how irrational, critical, cruel, or intrusive the thought is, there is value to it when there is some truth to it. Coping with, numbing, or dismissing these thoughts will not help you in this case! Don’t get caught up in these thoughts: understand the function of the beliefs, extract whatever value it has, and see the rest as an inevitable “tax” for the reminder.

• If you are actually doing everything perfectly at “120%”, then this thought is not literally telling you that you are not doing enough. Think about it more as a very loud (sometimes mean/cruel) reminder that sounds like “hey, pay attention just in case you are not doing enough”. Why do you think sirens, alarms, or a crying baby are so unpleasant? They get our attention! We can just notice the mind is doing its job to ensure you that we never fall “below 100%” on our part (this is tied to personal values of excellence, competence, reliability). Let the mind do this in the background and tune in when it says something that guides you toward your values (whether it’s a “positive or negative” thought). Otherwise, continue to focus your actions and energy on what is truly realistic, important, and helpful.