Mismatch of Modern Life
“We have created a Star Wars civilization with Stone Age emotions, medieval institutions, and godlike technology.”
What you should know:
Six core psychological yearnings shape human well-being, but modern life often misguides how we try to meet them.
Most (likely all) personal struggles stem from one or more lifestyle/psychological mismatches we rarely recognize.
Our ancient minds weren’t built for modern conditions, driving much of today’s distress and maladaptive coping.
Psychological unworkability (e.g., excessive avoidance, rigidity, control) pulls us further from what matters or actually helps.
Pivots toward psychological workability and flexibility help us adapt to our modern world in healthier, more sustainable ways.
Much of modern psychological suffering stems from a mismatch between what we truly need for a healthy and meaningful life and what our mind “wants” to stay safe or comfortable. We’ve inherited an ancient mind—designed for immediate threats, limited resources, and small social groups—that hasn’t evolved fast enough to keep up with the modern world. The mind’s historically effective survival strategies (e.g., worry, comparison, planning, avoidance) now get completely hijacked by overstimulation, excessive pressure, and emotional quick fixes. In chasing comfort, control, and validation, we often sacrifice what we actually yearn for: connection, clarity, and vitality. As a result, life shrinks into endless patterns of avoidance and reactivity. But when we learn to relate to our minds as protective (not “problematic”), we have far more choice in moving toward something more helpful or meaningful. Instead of “solving” life like a threat, we start living it as an unfolding process, openly and willingly guided by our values (even when that feels difficult right now).
The Modern Mismatch of Psychological Needs
At the heart of being human are a handful of deep, universal yearnings. These psychological needs shaped our evolution and still guide how we navigate survival and living: we long to belong, to make sense of things, to feel fully, to be steady and grounded, to live with purpose, and to grow in our abilities. These psychological needs are not the problem: the issue arises when our ancient minds offer rigid, short-sighted strategies for meeting them. Instead of moving us toward lasting fulfillment, these strategies often leave us stuck: we get what we want (eliminating pain and discomfort) but not what we actually need (i.e., what actually works and matters). To understand the roots of modern distress, we have to start with how these core processes get twisted by the very mind that’s trying to help:
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1. Yearning for Orientation
This need is connected to the psychological function of attention
Our mind was built to be oriented in life: able to navigate reality with awareness and adaptability. For most of human history, this attentional system helped our ancestors survive by learning from the past, anticipating future threats, but mostly staying present to their environment and focusing on what was within their control.
Mismatch: Our mind turns the process of “orientation” into a problem to simply solve through endlessly analyzing the past and predicting the future. It believes if we think hard enough, we’ll finally feel safe or certain about things! Instead, we’ve become so overwhelmed or distracted that we are confused about where we should really put our attention. Our attention becomes rigid and distracted: we obsessively worry about the future, ruminate about the past, and cannot focus in the present. Life moves on, but we’re not really there.
Adaptive Pivot: Present-moment awareness helps train our attention to become more flexible, fluid, and voluntary. Being present isn’t about pushing away unwanted thoughts and feelings: it’s about returning back to what’s here. When and only when we return to the now, other pivots (e.g., emotional openness, self-awareness, values, healthier/helpful action) become possible.
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2. Yearning for Coherence & Understanding
This need is connected to the psychological function of thinking
Our mind was built to make sense of things: to solve problems, anticipate outcomes, and create order out of chaos. For most of human history, this drive to explain and predict was essential for survival, as it aided them in responding to danger, learning from experience, and making decisions in an uncertain world with little information or technology (yup, that also meant no internet!).
Mismatch: Our mind turns the process of “sense-making and understanding” into a problem to simply solve through always needing to be right, certain, or in control. It believes if we analyze enough, label enough, or figure everything out, we’ll finally feel secure, resolved, or complete. Instead, we’ve become locked into rigid beliefs, identifies, or worldviews, mistaking our thoughts for truth and close ourselves off from other perspectives and possibilities. We are obsessed with how things should be and have a horrible relationship with being wrong or not knowing.
Adaptive Pivot: Defusion helps us step back from our thoughts, to see them as thoughts, not truths. This shift allows us to choose what’s helpful, not just getting stuck over what sounds “right”, and reconnect with the freedom to adapt and grow. This isn’t about thinking more positively or controlling thoughts: it’s about how to navigate thinking with more flexibility and curiosity (why my mind tells me things vs what my mind tells me is true).
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3. Yearning to Feel & Experience
This need is connected to the psychological function of emotion and sensation
We’re built to feel fully (not just the feelings we prefer or desire). Emotions, urges, and sensations evolved to guide action, signal danger or opportunity, and connect us to others and our values. For most of human history, emotional awareness was vital for survival, relationships, and responding to what mattered most in the moment.
Mismatch: Our mind turns the process of “feeling and experience” into a problem to simply solve through chasing pleasant feelings while avoiding anything uncomfortable or painful (what our ancient mind was built to instinctually run away from!). Modern cultures glorifies happiness as the desired default emotional state to exist in (categorizing certain emotions as good and others as bad), dulling our ability to be flexible and fluent with our full range of emotions. It’s not a problem to manage how you feel at times (often helpful or necessary), but the more we need or try to avoid/control our emotional experience, the more our life obsessively revolves around emotional avoidance/control. We choose “feel good for now” at the expense of “doing better overall”.
Adaptive Pivot: Acceptance doesn’t mean having to like pain or being passive and doing nothing: acceptance is about being willing to feel fully, to open up to all emotions without needing to like or fix what we feel. It’s not about just “feeling good”: it’s about getting “good at feeling” (i.e., not just letting unwanted thoughts and feelings pull us into unhelpful directions)—so we can show up for what matters even when it’s difficult.
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4. Yearning to Belong & Connect
This need is connected to the psychological function of perspective-taking (sense of self/other)
Our mind was built for connection. Belonging was once a matter of life or death: our ancestors survived by being accepted, trusted, and seen by others in close-knit tribes. Social bonding offered safety, purpose, and protection. For most of human history, being left out meant being left behind. Our mind evolved to constantly monitor how we relate to ourselves and others: tracking our worth, our place, and our social standing to ensure we weren’t drifting toward rejection or disconnection.
Mismatch: Our mind turns the process of "belonging and connection” into a problem to simply solve through status, impressions, and proving our worth. We curate, compare, and perform but often end up deepening our “conceptualized self”—often referred to as the ego: the mental story our mind tells us about who we are, what we’re worth, and what we must be to be okay). This story of self is fragile, often shaped by and defended by fear: the more we protect it, the harder it is to be authentic, making true connection and acceptance (of self and others) more difficult than it needs to be.
Adaptive Pivot: Stepping back and broadening our perspective helps us engage our “contextualized self”—also referred to as the observing self: the part of us that notices thoughts, opinions, and other “mental stories” without getting trapped inside them. Instead of seeing ourselves and others through fixed labels, we open up to the fuller history and living context that labels cannot accurately capture, helps us open up to ourselves and others. Remember: “labels” or names only describe; they fail to consider all the “ingredients inside” that are not on the label. This applies to ourselves, people, literally everything.
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5. Yearning for Meaning & Self-Direction
This need is connected to the psychological function of motivation
Our mind was built to have direction and act with purpose and meaning. We want to live by our own compass, guided by what matters to us. For most of human history, meaning was naturally embedded in survival, protection, ritual, contribution or shared purpose.
Mismatch: Our mind turns the process of “meaning and self-direction” into a problem to simply solve through chasing wants and shoulds. It measures meaning by outcomes, achievements, comparison, validation, telling us “we’ll feel whole once we have enough, do enough, or become enough”. Our choices and effort are mindlessly and impulsively driven by external pressure/rewards and instant gratification, causing us to expend energy and time into things that do not move us in a valued direction.
Adaptive Pivot: Being clear about our personal values and choosing to be guided by them gives us a steady, constant compass around what we should be doing (especially when spontaneous motivation and willpower seem low or unreliable). They’re not strict rules, goals, or ideals: they are chosen qualities of behavior, of “being and doing” (i.e., how you show up in life, how you relate to things/self/other, the way you to choose to respond to things, especially during times of uncertainty or difficulty). They root us in meaning and the kind of person we want to be (regardless of outcome or level of control).
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6. yearning for Competence
This need is connected to the psychological function of doing
Our mind was built to grow and improve through trial and error. From birth, we’re wired to explore, learn, and adapt. For most of human history, developing competence meant surviving. Mistakes were a natural, normal part of learning, and learning was non-negotiable for survival.
Mismatch: Our mind turns the process of “competence” into a problem to simply solve through absolute perfection, equating mistakes with failure and inadequacy. We struggle and resist putting in “enough” effort because our mind swings between unsustainable extremes: we excessively avoid or procrastinate… Or we keep crashing from trying too hard, too much, too fast. We taking necessary/meaningful risks, stop learning, and stop growing.
Adaptive Pivot: Rather than focusing on perfect or immediate outcomes, committed action means choosing behavior that aligns with our values (even when it’s hard, slow, or uncertain). It’s about consistent, strategic, and sustainable progress with purpose. It teaches us to show up, take risks, and build real competence through action (not just appearance of competence).
How These Processes Shape How We Live
These six core psychological processes are the foundation of how we engage with life, shaping what we notice, how we perceive things, what we care about, and how we choose to act. Breakdowns in these six core processes don’t just stay in our heads: they impact every aspect of life. Whether we get caught up in thinking, struggle with difficult emotions, or chase rigid ideas of success or certainty, we often reinforce mental or behavioral habits that quietly make life harder.
We stop moving because we fear failure.
We overthink/analyze to avoid uncertainty.
We overwork to feel worthy.
We scroll to numb.
We isolate to avoid rejection.
These aren’t simply “bad habits”—they’re consequences of going on “autopilot”: letting our mind attempt to help us feel better even at the cost of our personal values, needs, and goals. Over time, we disconnect from what actually helps and fall into unhelpful patterns of control, avoidance, or reactivity… Not because we’re broken, but because our mind is doing what it was built to do through whatever has [sorta] worked in the past (even when it’s no longer truly working). The real issue isn’t avoidance or control: it’s losing sight of whether our strategies are still serving us. Meaningful change cannot simply rely on willpower or simple declarations of intent to change: it requires us to pay attention to how we are meeting our psychological yearnings, to really notice what’s happening or what we’re doing, stepping back from unhelpful patterns, and committing to actions and habits that align with our values.
Change doesn’t start with motivation & willpower… It starts with awareness & willingness.
The “Hexaflex” (below) illustrates the six core dimensions of psychological functioning—feeling, thinking, attention, perspective/identity, motivation, and behavior—and how they are all interconnected, continually supporting and influencing one another. Each of the six dimensions of functioning reflects a contrast between psychological flexibility (what works) and psychological unworkability (what doesn’t). When one or more of these processes break down, it often leads to dysfunction in other psychological processes and areas of life. When we are psychologically unwell or unaware, our “autopilot choices” pull us toward habits and lifestyle mismatches that compromise our basic physical and social wellness.
Human Mind & Body: Meet Modern Life!
Modern life and society is concerningly mismatched with what our bodies and minds evolved to need. This has greatly disrupted our individual and societal rhythms, altering human life for the worst. The quarter-million year old brain we all have, in trying to help, urges us toward short-term coping strategies and lifestyle habits that often amplify our struggling, pulling us further from choices that support true biopsychosocial well-being. These are the most common and costly ways this mismatch shows up in daily life, often without us realizing they stem from a breakdown in one or more of the psychological processes described above:
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Our sleep/wake cycles are not working
Our ancestors slept in sync with light and dark, waking with the sun and winding down with nightfall). Today, artificial light, screens, and irregular routines disrupt our biological rhythms. Sleep loss impacts mood, memory, immunity, and emotional balance, and chronic sleep deprivation has become a silent epidemic. We no longer treat sleep as essential and non-negotiable.
Pivot: Rebuild a consistent, light-aligned sleep rhythm. Reduce late-night stimulation and protect sleep as a daily act of restoration, not an optional task.
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Our lack of physical activity is not working
Movement used to be constant: walking, lifting, crouching, hunting, and resting all in rhythm. Now we sit, scroll, and stay still for hours. Inactivity doesn’t just weaken the body: it disconnects us from internal signals like emotion, tension, or hunger, leaving us foggy and out of touch. We no longer treat physical movement and exercise as essential and non-negotiable.
Pivot: Move naturally and regularly throughout the day. Walk, stretch, breathe deeply, and let your body become something you feel and listen to (not just something you “manage”).
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Our social isolation and disconnection is not working
Our ancestors lived in tightly bonded, cooperative groups where survival depended on consistent, face-to-face connection. Today, even as digital contact increases, real emotional closeness has diminished. We text more, talk less, and often feel invisible in a crowded world. We no longer treat relationships and social connection as essential and non-negotiable.
Pivot: Rebuild real-world connection. Prioritize emotional safety, vulnerability, and shared presence (not just digital contact).
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Our “getting by without purpose/meaning/direction” is not working
In ancestral life, purpose was baked into survival—everyone contributed and roles were clear. Today, work is often abstract, repetitive, or disconnected from personal meaning. We achieve more or put in a lot of time/energy but feel less fulfilled as we chase productivity over purpose. We no longer view purpose and meaning as essential and non-negotiable.
Pivot: Reconnect with values. Align your actions with what matters to you, not just what earns validation or outcomes.
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Our disconnection from nature and sunlight is not working
We evolved under sunlight and in rhythm with nature. But now, we live mostly indoors under artificial lighting, disconnected from the cues that regulate mood, sleep, and stress: our senses go underfed and our systems dysregulate. We no longer view time outside or in nature as essential and non-negotiable.
Pivot: Spend intentional time outside. Seek sunlight early, immerse in nature regularly, and reconnect your body to the world it evolved in.
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Our unbalanced, overprocessed diets are not working
For most of human history, food was seasonal, whole, and eaten communally. Today, it’s ultra-processed, fast, and emotionally numbing. We eat for speed and comfort, not nourishment, and it shows up in our minds and bodies. We try to resolve any health or weight issues through everything else (surgery, chemicals, hacks and gimmicks) overcommitting to just simplifying diet. We no longer view balanced nourishment as essential and non-negotiable.
Pivot: Return to real food. Eat slowly, eat simply, and let food be nourishment, not escape. Practice mindful, intentional, undistracted eating. Let your dietary choices reflect your values (e.g., nourishing body in service of energy, clarity, and care).
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Our chronic levels of stress, rumination, and overactivation are not working
Our stress response evolved for brief danger followed by rest. But today, we’re constantly “on” or “plugged in”: responding to emails, ruminating on what-ifs, and rarely stopping to naturally “be” for a moment. We stay mentally activated long after the moment has passed. We no longer view self-care and restoration as essential and non-negotiable.
Pivot: Build rhythms of recovery. Create clear boundaries, practice mental stepping-back, and allow real rest (not just distraction).
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Our level of information and access to it is not working
Ancestral humans filtered information through direct experience. Today, we’re flooded with content, noise, and choices (all demanding our attention). The mind becomes overstimulated, unfocused, and exhausted. We no longer view “disconnection” as essential and non-negotiable.
Pivot: Practice mental hygiene. Set limits, consume intentionally, and give your attention space to reset.
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Our anxiety about status, constant comparison, and normalized reliance on external validation is not working
Social comparison once helped us belong and cooperate. Now, it’s been hijacked by curated social media and competitive culture. We measure worth through metrics, not meaning. We no longer view true authenticity and integrity (especially when it requires us to go against norms) as essential and non-negotiable.
Pivot: Focus inward. Reground in intrinsic values. Use defusion to step back from the thoughts that say you’re not enough, and self-as-context to hold your identity more lightly. You are more than your image or performance. Let meaning (not just metrics) guide what matters.
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Our intolerance of discomfort and uncertainty is not working
Quick, confident action helped our ancestors survive. But in a world of excessive access to information and constant complexity, our minds excessively seek impossible certainty. We overthink, overresearch, avoid risk, and delay action, and rely excessively on technology for answers and certainty—not for safety, but because we fear discomfort. We no longer treat being present and focusing on what can be changed as essential and non-negotiable.
Pivot: Build flexibility. Shift your focus to what you can control or influence (your actions, choices, and values) rather than chasing certainty or eliminating discomfort. Peace comes not from knowing everything but acting wisely in the face of uncertainty.
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Our unimaginable level of abundance (paired with our mind’s ancient “wiring for scarcity”) is not working
We evolved to crave more, especially when it kept us alive (e.g., gathering in preparation for unforeseen disaster or drought of essential resources). But today, we’re drowning in abundance, yet still feeling deprived while simultaneously wanting more. The drive for more now creates stress, impulsivity, burnout, and life-robbing debt. We no longer treat gratitude or a “sense of enough” as essential and non-negotiable.
Pivot: Choose “enough”. Simplify decisions, reflect on sufficiency, and focus on presence over accumulation.
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Our over-reliance on comfort and convenience is not working
Our ancestors had to do a lot of things manually, which required a great deal of effort, focus, and resilience toward stress and discomfort. To survive, it was not an option to just put things off or wait to feel motivated to act. Today, modern society/technology practically guarantees an unatural amount of comfort and convenience (especially compared to our ancestors). While there are great perks to this, the benefits have crossed past the point of diminishing returns: the reliance and need for comfort and convenience has made us less tolerant of stress, less motivated to act without immediate reward, and more disconnected from effort as a source of meaning. We are trapped in our mind rather than being in our body out in the world/life. We no longer treat challenge, contribution, and mindful effort as essential and non-negotiable.
Pivot: Rebuild healthy friction. Do hard things on purpose. Choose effort over ease when it aligns with your values. Let presence, purpose, and engaged living reclaim the space that comfort and consumption have replaced.
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Our lack of personal reflection and restoration is not working
Boredom was once a space for reflection, recovery, or creativity. Now, we treat it like a problem, filling every pause with scrolling or stimulation. But without space, the mind never resets. We no longer treat just being still with ourselves as essential and non-negotiable.
Pivot: Welcome space. Purposefully make time for stillness, daydreaming, and mental quiet. Reframe boredom as a doorway to insight, not an enemy to escape. Practicing present-moment awareness, acceptance, and willingness helps you reclaim this space without needing to fill it.
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Our loss of ritual and transitions is not working
Rituals once helped us process change, grief, and identity shifts. Today, life moves fast with few pauses to mark what we’re leaving or entering. We feel ungrounded, even in moments that should feel meaningful. Other times, life seems to endlessly drag in monotony or aimlessness, lacking genuine purpose. We no longer treat meaningful rituals or transitions as essential and non-negotiable.
Pivot: Reinvent ritual. Create small, intentional pauses to mark change so your life feels witnessed and connected. This could mean morning reflections, shared meals, seasonal check-ins, or symbolic acts during life transitions. When we consciously honor beginnings, endings, and turning points, we reclaim a sense of continuity, identity, and meaning.
Accepting the Responsibility to Pivot & Adapt
The modern world is not designed for our psychological or biological well-being. It’s not our fault that we inherited minds shaped for a different world… But it is our responsibility to acknowledge/accept that and move on to learning to respond differently. You are not broken: your mind is doing what it evolved to do in an environment it was never built to navigate. When we try to control or avoid discomfort, we often make things worse. But there is a path forward: becoming more psychologically flexible and returning to a lifestyle that our mind/body was built for. This really requires us to go against a lot of what we feel like doing or believing.
By strengthening our ability to respond to life more effectively, we can adapt in ways that honor both our humanity and our potential. You are not weak, lazy, or overly sensitive: you are trying to survive in a system fundamentally misaligned with the way we are wired and built. This isn’t about blame (it’s really easy to get dragged down when you’re constantly stuck at “blame” or “anger”): this is about awareness. acceptance, and choice. We may not be able to change the world or our human programming overnight, but we can change how we move through it. This shift away from powerlessness toward intentional, meaningful living is everything… Notice if or how your mind might be resisting this right now; don’t fight it, just notice it.
From Knowing to Acting
The Core Practices of Psychological Sustainability
With so much misalignment between how we live and what we need, where do we begin? The answer isn’t more pressure—but more intention. Sustainable psychological health doesn’t come from performing perfectly; it comes from practicing consistently—a “return-to-self” process, not a “restart-from-scratch” plan. These core areas and practices are your foundation. When prioritized regularly (but flexibly), they help regulate your nervous system, support emotional clarity, and reconnect you to what actually matters. Without them, even the best insights, logic, or psychological efficiency hack doesn’t quite do it… We overcomplicate the solution, overlooking the basics that hold it all together:
✅ Consistent Sleep & Wake Times
✅ Physical Activity & Movement
✅ Balanced, Nutritious Nourishment
✅ Sunlight & Outdoor Exposure
✅ Real-Life Social Connection
✅ Meaningful Activity or Contribution
✅ Balanced Consumption (food, media, habits, deliberate digital hygiene)
✅ Restorative/Reflective Space
Increase your commitment and accountability by keeping a daily/weekly journal that self-monitors:
🛠️ Area(s) I am working on - Examples: sleep, movement, nutrition, social connection, digital hygiene
🥅 Desired behaviors - What I would like to see in my choices and actions
🧠 Psychological processes that support doing more of this behavior
Examples: being mindful, stepping back, being intentional, tracking progress, being flexible around my thoughts, being more accepting and willing, remembering my values, setting attainable goals, savoring, gratitude
😶 Actual behavior - What you ended up doing…
🪞 Reflection: Did this move me closer or further from what matters or the kind of person I truly want to be? Why?
If my choices or actions moved me further away from my values, needs, or goals… Consider the six core psychological processes; there is a breakdown in one or more processes that encourages this outcome. What psychological process(es) are not working for me? Examples: not fully committing, stuck in my head, not paying attention or constantly distracted, constantly trying to fight or numb my thoughts/feelings, not journaling or tracking progress, checked out, mindlessly acting on impulses/urges
Real improvement rarely comes from grand declarations or overnight change: it comes from small, intentional steps repeated consistently. Progress is messy, nonlinear, and often uncomfortable, but effort matters more than ease. You won’t always feel motivated, and it won’t always be clear, but if you keep showing up (flexibly, compassionately, and imperfectly), you’re already moving in the right direction (even when your mind tells you something unhelpful or demotivating about this “being a process”). Don’t aim for constant progress. Aim for return. Aim for alignment. And remember that real deep change is built from thousands of small, workable choices that honor what actually matters.