Flexible Attention to the Present and Sense of Self

Self-awareness is a critical and necessary skill for progress and change: we have to know when our mind is pushing us to do the things that keep us stuck. This allows us to create space between triggers and responses. Otherwise, our mind will always be ahead of us (over-protecting/preserving). It is not enough to logically understand it: self-awareness needs to be practiced regularly regardless of how good/bad or motivated/uninterested we feel. This often emphasizes self-monitoring, mindfulness, perspective-taking, and attentional/observational skills.

Without self-awareness, we are on autopilot (i.e., the mind and your feelings take over), which can lead us astray and toward more problems and suffering.

Understanding Personal Patterns & Programming

As self-awareness establishes, our observations give us insight into why or how our patterns emerge. When we zoom out and draw in more connections, we start to see how patterns are interconnected with other patterns and problems. This process focuses on understanding the interconnected patterns of your mind, body, thoughts, feelings, and actions. Exploring the roots and consequences of these patterns helps us become aware of what changes need to occur to progress with our goals and living aligned with our personal values. It shines the light onto distorted narratives and beliefs we may continue to hold onto out of fear and protection (but insight and awareness do not inherently create change).

Without insight in life or therapy, we may find ourselves trapped in repetitive cycles, unable to break free from unhelpful patterns and unaware of the underlying causes of our struggles.

Dropping the Struggle with Our Inner & Outer World

Acceptance is both an essential skill and process of letting go of what is not serving us anymore, developing willingness to make space for our all of our feelings (especially the challenging ones) to understand what they are communicating (what we care about, what we should do). This process allows our thoughts and feelings to come and go on their own as we get better at reinvesting our energy toward our aligning our actions with our values and what truly matters.

Without acceptance, we often struggle with feelings of discomfort and pain (even in the face of meaningful growth), obsessing over how things should be. When this becomes too much, our protective mind urges us back toward avoidance/numbing (making life even smaller). The reality is that many of the best things in life (or the things we are most proud of) come with a significant degree of necessary discomfort, pain, or sacrifice. I want to help broaden that type of willingness as a default attitude toward life (not just trying to feel happy and relaxed all the time).

Reconnecting to Our Values & What Actually Matters

Do you know what motivates you? What drives you to act the way you do? Do you know which direction you are moving toward? And are you truly honest with yourself about whether what you’ve been doing is working or not? The freedom to choose can sometimes be a curse, especially when we are struggling or feeling impulsive. As we begin to learn more about ourselves, where we currently are, and the gap between where we would like to go, we begin to consider what specific things need to change and how to prioritize that. This process emphasizes gaining clarity around our true values and selves: who do we want to be, what do we stand for, what type of quality do we want to see in our choices/actions (especially when life is challenging)?

Going through life or setting goals without knowing our values often leads to pursuing externally prescribed goals to be fulfilled and happy: become the most powerful, beautiful, rich, successful, perfect, provocative… We lose our true selves and become stuck pursuing goals that leave us feeling more disconnected and discouraged. We take valuable motivation and energy and waste it on “junk” goals. The worst part of this is not the inevitable dissatisfaction and disappointment—our mind is given another opportunity to reinforce “trying again is a waste of time: don’t bother changing or trying again, it’s not possible and too hard”.

Living in Accordance with Values

This is my favorite part of the process. If therapy is a process of creating personal “firmware” updates, then action is a combination of “clicking install” and actually “using” the new firmware in life. This process means active efforts and work toward redirecting our attention, actions, and words toward our true values, needs, and goals, even when we do not feel like it. Exposure to different outcomes, feelings, and experiences provides more feedback to improve our firmware (“that was not so bad, I could see my mind was protecting me by exaggerating how bad it would be… I am willing to do this again!”).

Without action (i.e., avoidance/resistance), it’s like we’re given a new operating system but refuse to use and adjust to the new, more effective “features” or ways to do things. Our minds might even say “it’s simply easier to keep using the old firmware” (despite that version constantly “having bugs, crashes, stability, overheating issues”). We revert back to doing the things that are keeping us stuck… “At least it’s predictable and I don’t have to put in work to change!” Being in therapy ≠ doing work in therapy! Action, which can be anything from working on our goals, solving our problems, or practicing things from therapy everyday, is absolutely necessary for actual progress. It’s not enough to just vent and talk about how to get rid of unpleasant feelings—while it may help in the short-term, it’s an incomplete solution to being more effective and resilient in our lives.