Self-awareness is a critical and necessary skill for progress and change: we have to know when our mind is pushing us to do the things that keep us stuck. This allows us to create space between triggers and responses. Otherwise, our mind will always be ahead of us (over-protecting/preserving). It is not enough to logically understand it: self-awareness needs to be practiced regularly regardless of how good/bad or motivated/uninterested we feel. This often emphasizes self-monitoring, mindfulness, perspective-taking, and attentional/observational skills.

Without self-awareness, we are on autopilot (i.e., the mind and your feelings take over), which can lead us astray and toward more problems and suffering.

As self-awareness establishes, our observations give us insight into why or how our patterns emerge. When we zoom out and draw in more connections, we start to see how patterns are interconnected with other patterns and problems. This process focuses on understanding your mind, body, thoughts, feelings, and actions. Exploring the roots and consequences of patterns helps us become aware of how far we have deviated from our true goals and values.

Without insight in life or therapy, we may find ourselves trapped in repetitive cycles, unable to break free from unhelpful patterns and unaware of the underlying causes of our struggles.

Acceptance is an essential ongoing process where we work to let go of what is not serving us anymore, develop willingness to make space for our all of our feelings (especially the challenging ones) to understand what they are communicating (what we care about, what we might need to do or not!). This process allows our thoughts and feelings to come and go on their own as we get better at reinvesting our energy toward our aligning our actions with our values and what truly matters.

Without acceptance, we often struggle with feelings of discomfort and pain (even in the face of meaningful growth), obsessing over how things should be. When this becomes too much, our protective mind urges us back toward avoidance/numbing (making life even smaller). The reality is that many of the best things in life (or the things we are most proud of) come with a significant degree of necessary discomfort, pain, or sacrifice. I want to help broaden that type of willingness as a default attitude toward life (not just trying to feel happy and relaxed all the time).

The freedom to choose can sometimes be a curse, especially when we are feeling bad or impulsive. As we begin to learn more about ourselves, where we currently are, and the gap between where we would like to go, we begin to consider what specific things need to change and how to prioritize that. This process emphasizes exploring our true values and selves: who do we want to be, what do we stand for, what type of quality do we want to see in our choices/actions (especially when life becomes challenging)?

Going through life or setting goals without knowing our values often leads to pursuing externally prescribed and suggested goals to be fulfilled and happy: become powerful, beautiful, rich, successful, perfect, provocative… We lose our true selves and become stuck pursuing goals that leave us feeling more disconnected. Even if we progress inside therapy, outside we continue toward goals that only help temporarily. The worst part of this is not inevitable dissatisfaction and disappointment: it’s that our mind is given another opportunity to suck us into believing that “trying more is pointless: just stay inside and don’t bother trying again”. We waste valuable energy and time because we continue to be guided by fear and external values that are disconnected from our true values.

This is my favorite part of the process. If therapy is a process of creating personal “firmware” updates, then action is a combination of “clicking install” and actually “using” the new firmware in life. This process means active efforts and work toward redirecting our attention, actions, and words toward our true values, needs, and goals, even when we do not feel like it. Exposure to different outcomes, feelings, and experiences provides more feedback to improve our firmware (“that was not so bad, I could see my mind was protecting me by exaggerating how bad it would be… I am willing to do this again!”).

Without action (avoidance/resistance), it’s like we’re given a new operating system but refuse to use and adjust to the new, more effective “features” or ways to do things. Our minds might even say “it’s simply easier to just downgrade to the previous firmware” (despite that version constantly “having bugs, crashes, stability, overheating issues”). We revert back to doing the things that are keeping us stuck… “At least it’s familiar and does not require new learning???”

Clients usually find all of the information, insight, and techniques extremely useful… But their mind’s agenda of “energy preservation and protection from discomfort” will always see practice outside of session as a threat to their comfort and energy (i.e., trying something new is supposedly risky… Not logically: emotionally!). We have to show our minds the value of these processes through regular, committed action (even when things are tough). Over time, the mind might even start to look forward to it when it learns it’s helpful and worthwhile (now we’re working with our mind!).